Dear Margo, Rita & Curtis,
I really don’t want to play Gotcha, but everyone tells me that it’s not my choice! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dearest Anonymous,
Why wouldn’t you want to play Gotcha? The game gives relative strangers an opportunity to stalk each other across campus, adding yet another chaotic (but fun!) component to an already stressful environment. Is there anything better? Gotcha also prepares you for life by teaching you the basic tenets of how to succeed in this world…
1. Never be alone: the more popular one is, the more likely he or she will win. If you have no friends, someone will get you quickly and reveal your loner status. And, as everyone knows, high school popularity is an early indicator of future success.
2. Run fast. In Gotcha there will inevitably be a few cross-quad chases as two students participate in a lion versus antelope race. This is good practice, because one day, you might be chased by someone who wants your wallet, or your watch, but Gotcha is low stakes.
3. Success takes time and dedication. Last year, someone followed me to every class period, meaning he skipped an entire day of school in order to get me and spent an entire night of homework memorizing my schedule. This person obviously had his priorities straight, though, because we all know that Gotcha will prepare you better for your future than going to your classes will.
4. You’ll get nowhere in this world without Internet stalking. Who can expect to win Gotcha without spending hours trolling DAinfo? I assure you that there is no more important life skill out there than how to stalk someone efficiently and effectively. In fact, I’m pretty sure that proficiency in Internet stalking is now a job requirement in many fields including, but not limited to, media and finance.
If you’re still not convinced that you want to play Gotcha, there is always an escape route. All you need to do is hide in your room for a week (meaning no school, Dining Hall, or co-curriculars) until the deadline for getting someone has passed. Although you will probably be expelled for AP’s, at least you will be out of Gotcha.
Good luck,
Margo, Rita & Curtis