On an unusually chilly afternoon on December 7, 2013, little more than 24 hours before Semi-Formal was to take place, one math teacher walked into her classroom and asked how many of her male students had asked someone to the dance. Of nine able-bodied, fine-looking young men, one boy raised his hand. At this point, there are three conclusions about these dateless boys we might draw: “cowards,” “heartbroken,” and “don’t like dances unless they involve drawing blood from others while raving in a mosh pit.”

Enter Garam.

To the cowards, I say: Jafeel. Rejection hurts. But so do accusations that have no backbone. And in my opinion, if a girl rejects you because she doesn’t think you’re good enough for her, then she smells–of cruelty and lack of substance–and you deserve better. Someday you will develop a six-pack, a billion dollars and a face that looks vaguely – vaguely – like Ryan Gosling’s and you will show her what a mistake she made.

To the heartbroken crowd, I say: take someone to Semi, have a wild time, and make your ex-significant-other jealous. No, revenge isn’t healthy. But it’s healthier than the high-fructose corn syrup found in most of the food you would have alone in the dorm on a Saturday night. To the “I have a hottie waiting for me back home” crowd, I say: I would not define taking a friend or even some rando girl you know to be dateless to Semi as “cheating”… unless you’re worried about the tempting opportunities that might present themselves at night, in which case I urge you to reevaluate your said “fidelity.”

This year there was a staggering number of nice gals around me who just wanted some boy candy on their arm for three hours on Saturday night. But said boy candy was being a little bit frustrating. Please remember, male species, that Semi isn’t about who you go with—it’s about the fun that you have. Let’s not apply the twisted standards that seem to apply to the hook-up hierarchy that exists at this school to the Semi-Formal affair. Newsflash: Semi is just one night, and by virtue of your being male and having the ounce of creativity it takes to write “Semi question mark?” on a piece of paper, you could make a girl plenty happy.