Dear Margo, Rita and Curtis:

My older boy toy is going off to college (quite the party school, if you know what I mean), and I want to know how I can keep up a long-distance relationship.

Sincerely,
From Mac to Middlebury

The LDR…. dun dun dun. Let’s state our concerns from the get-go. Although your relationship may have endured the test of time at Deerfield (i.e., two months), college is a whole new ball game. While your desperate attempts to guilt him into staying faithful with couples-Instagrams might be endearing, we can assure you that he’ll be having too much fun “enjoying the opportunities that college has to offer” to even throw it a “like.” We encourage you to express yourself with as many smiley emojis as possible, but let’s manage our expectations. Side-by-side comparison: biodegradable cup of ice vs. red Solo cup. Broomball vs. beer pong. Not enough?

Picture this on a Thursday night:

10:06 p.m. You send Snapchat of you and your textbooks captioned “the Deerfield grind.”

11:11 p.m. He returns with selfie in darkly-lit room with questionable stain on his partially-buttoned shirt captioned “hgfFFkuFfdsuyfdk.”

11:12 p.m. You respond with another selfie asking what’s up.

12:00 p.m. He sends you a picture of him and girl in crop top.

12:01 p.m. You’re nervous, but you play it cool: “haha who is that?”

No response . . .

Are you picking up what we’re putting down? Your LDR was DOA. We aren’t saying some people can’t make it work, we’re just saying you aren’t one of those people. And please, don’t change your relationship status to “it’s complicated.” Because it’s pretty simple. Resign yourself to a life of SAT prep and Greer froyos, because most people can’t even make it work from Barton to JL.

All the best,
Margo, Rita and Curtis