Dear Margo, Rita, and Curtis,

I don’t have any friends of the opposite sex here. Why?

Sincerely,
Gal searching for a pal

Assuming you’re not a giant jerk (i.e. listening to Nickelback, turning on read receipts, and initiating a college conversation, then saying you’re “not telling people”…), there are a few reasons why this might be the case.

As with all fascist regimes, the administration is to blame. What happened to the coed dorms of the Boyden era—that was a thing, right? Nowadays if a lonely but well-meaning girl walks down the halls of Johnson- Doubleday in search of friendship, popping her head into rooms or knocking on bathroom stalls, she is labeled as “creepy,” “stalkerish” or “violating the visitation clause of Deerfield Academy.” Herein lies the issue: Deerfield simply won’t push the envelope to defy typical gender stereotypes. Worry not, we’ve written a few petitions. (Take note, Student Council).

Most Deerfield students are housed in single dorm rooms, missing out on a quintessential boarding-school experience of living with a roommate, an instant friend. Now imagine a vibrant, 13-year-old girl marching into her room, shaking hands with her roommate: a 16-year-old double repeat boy. Boom. Wrecking ball to the gender wall (copyright Miley Cyrus). We don’t know about you, but at that age we possessed all the maturity to handle this seemingly awkward situation.

Now imagine this same girl returning from an exhausting away game at Exeter, having defended the Green and White, and all she wants is a warm shower. Who better to welcome her into the locker room than her friend and hall-mate: Jimmy, the star of the boys hockey team. Those locker-room bonding experiences are a sure-fire way to budge the widening gender gap, because as we all know: those who sweat together stay together.

However, in the event that we are unable to reform the impenetrable dictatorship that is the administration (also known as “The Man”), you can always do it the old-fashioned way: manage a boys varsity team in hopes that after you shuttle their gear for two weeks, one of the players will talk to you.

Fight the power,

Margo, Rita, and Curtis