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CIA Labels “Deerfield Scrawl” Potential Threat to International Security
Hunter Pulliam '22 Staff Writer
February 2, 2022

Top Scroll intelligence has recently confirmed that a new Deerfield publication has taken root, calling themselves  the “Scrawl”. Popping up in microwaves across campus, this paper has truly shaken the Deerfield community- from huge printed Scrawl copies on the Dining Hall floor, to scathing exposès on high profile community members – no one is safe. With the help of hidden cameras, constant surveillance, non-disclosed internal sources, and the wire-tapping of suspected Scrawl writers, the location of Scrawl headquarters has been pinpointed to a nondescript classroom on the second floor of the Main School Building. Reports of huge Red Bull shipments and pizza deliveries to the classroom have only amplified rumors of students living full time in the headquarters, and students fear the possibility of Scrawl spies living in their dorms, collecting information.

“It’s like… you kinda become afraid to do or say certain stuff, because you know they’ll say anything in their issues, right? You know, it’s like, who am I even talking to? Like, nothing is off limits for them” said one female student, who preferred to remain anonymous. Directly after making this comment, she became suspicious of the Scroll reporter’s possible affiliation with the Scrawl and refused to contribute any more to the record. 

Credit: Millie Gu

Pockets of devout Scrawl followers have begun cropping up across the globe, and a surprising amount of celebrity support has accumulated. 

“The Scrawl really GETS me,” said global pop sensation Justin Bieber as he chewed thoughtfully on a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto. “I’ve always wanted a newspaper that’s really raw. Like, I feel like in interviews everyone sugarcoats the facts for me because I’m Justin Bieber. But the Scrawl gets the real me. Can you put something in this article about my tour, by the way? Buy tickets for the Justice stadium tour. Word.” Should the Scrawl continue to gain momentum, its impact could prove devastating. In an official statement, CIA representatives said they “can neither confirm nor deny” Russian involvement. Additionally, global leaders are keeping a close eye on the Scrawl’s self-proclaimed “King” Jerry Zhou, noting any potential threats to international security. For now, readers, keep your eyes peeled, stay safe, and continue receiving your news from the only real and reliable source in the Valley – the Scroll.