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Thou Shan’t Cross Seniors (Or Their Grass)
Caio Paiva-Oliveira '20 Senior Writer
October 17, 2019

Seniors have the right to do things that inferior grades could only dream of doing. And the beauty of it all is that they bow down to no one. Now, in the rare cases that our privileges are disrespected by those who do not belong in the Class of 2020, serious consequences will occur.

Let’s explore more deeply what these consequences might entail.

The other day, some seniors were watching Wisconsin beat the most overrated football team in the country, Michigan State. Around the third quarter, a strange figure lurked near the ramp leading up to the Senior Table, where several members of the class of 2020 lay, reclined in luxury.

The figure emerged from the vicinity of the ramp with a big smile, as though he knew what he was doing was ludicrous. This person, a non-senior, calmly sat down at the table, still smiling.

Now for legal reasons, their name will be kept confidential, but the seniors at the table decided to be professional and give him a 30-minute lecture about the punishments of crossing seniors.

This child was informed of stories from years ago, like that of an underclassman waking up in the middle of the river, with their mattress floating downstream on a very cold February morning.

This victim had crossed members of the senior class multiple times but did not realize what this meant for his future. He is said to have had nightmares of that experience for the next four years until his graduation.

Another tale is of a tenth-grade boy who stepped on senior grass because he was late to his class (as if that is an acceptable excuse).

This boy was seen by multiple members of that year’s senior class and, as a result, ended up failing every single one of his courses for the trimester, even Intro to Dance and Studio Art.

How does this relate to the boy stepping on senior grass? Well, let’s just say the seniors had some established connections with that boy’s teachers. To cap it off, seniors shared with this freshman one of the most terrifying tales heard in ages. Some say it is a myth, others recall it happening but can’t recall the details.

It is said that a junior girl, some odd years ago, would never wait for seniors to “lead the way” at school meetings. She would just walk in front of them, disregarding their very existence, and getting to hear Mr. Toby Emerson yell out “ONE CHIP! ONE CHIP!” before everyone else.

This disrespect left seniors infuriated but they didn’t know what to do. It is said that they consulted Dr. Margarita Curtis for advice, but she was also speechless about the situation. Frustrated and with nothing to do, the seniors simply left it to the hands of fate to take care of the matter.

One night, after finishing her homework, she heard a strange sound. God himself had come down to her room in Mac III to have a word with her.

“Thou shalt not disrespect seniors of Deerfield Academy,” he said. “It is one of the cardinal sins. Thou shalt have grave consequences if thou dost not obey thy Lord.” The 11th grader, close to fainting, nodded her head fervently. God later returned to heaven. It is said that the girl has never disrespected a senior, even in college, ever since.

As the story came to a close, the underclassman at the senior table fell to his knees, weeping in compliance. “Please forgive me for my sins,” he cried. “I promise I will never cross a senior for as long as I live.”

As he spoke, the glares of the seniors softened, pitying the fool. With his crimes forgiven, but not forgotten, the underclassman made the journey back to the Village in silence and solitude, fearing the consequences of making such a grave mistake.

Let his story be a warning to all non-seniors: one day your time will come when you can bask in the warmth of seniorhood but until such a time, watch your step.