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Things Your Green Key Didn’t Tell You: Be Snappy
December 8, 2013

Dear Margo, Rita, and Curtis,

I’m really into Snapchat, but lately I feel like I’ve been sending way more than I’ve been receiving. Am I doing something wrong? If I am, what more should I know about the world of Snapchat?

Dear Reader,

Snapchat: the final frontier of communication—your best friend and your worst foe epitomized by a tiny yellow ghost icon. It’s a beast that must be tamed, a fair lady whose proverbial hand must be won. Based on the question, it sounds like your score is lingering below the thousands. A 2350 may be good enough for the SAT, but isn’t nearly sufficient for the unforgiving world of Snapchat. Consider us your Snapchat tutors (trust us, your money is better spent here).

Snapchat 101. The cardinal rule of Snapchat: never “go” from below. If you take one thing from this article, let it be that. Feel free to ignore our advice, but you’ll have no one to blame but yourself when you’re looking at a double chin, cabbage-patch-kid face with no neck and an HD view of any and all “imperfections.”

Now that we’ve covered the dangers of the “go below,” let’s move on to lighting. If you’ve ever taken a break from Sadie’s to powder your nose and wipe the cesspool of sweat and other “unidentified fluids” off your body (none of which are your own), and are surprised to find you are not quite the foxy Bumblebee you imagined yourself to be, there’s a reason. It’s not you (probably), it’s the lighting.

Snapchat 102. Let’s discuss “best friends.” If a sibling is on your best friends list, this needs to be addressed. If a parent is on your best friends list, delete your Snapchat immediately and deny that it ever existed.

Snapchat 103. Additionals. There is but one difference between you and Michelangelo: the Sistine chapel will be viewed for centuries to come; your snapchat, on the other hand, will be gone in a matter of seconds. We are sure if Michelangelo had known his creation would be destroyed in 10 short moments, he would have had no reservations about pushing the envelope; therefore, neither should you. You want to turn your friend’s face into a banana? Do it. Feel like garnishing your selfie with a handlebar mustache and a soul patch? The more absurd the better. Lastly, we don’t know who told you otherwise, but cat whiskers were never cool and should be avoided at all costs.

Ah, the text box. You may not have 1000 words, but remember, brevity is the soul of wit—as is originality. Newsflash: you were not the first to take a double-chin picture and caption it “I’m preeetty.” And, unfortunately, you will not be the last.

And so, young grasshopper, we are sure that with this wisdom you will be basking in the glory of your Snapchat fame.

To good health and a few embarrassing screenshots.


Margo, Rita, and Curtis