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Wagner Would Chuck Wood
Caroline Wagner '14 Contributing Writer
October 16, 2013

Upon arriving on campus earlier this fall, I immediately noticed the wooden utensils in the Greer and the Louis Café. How cool, I thought, how modern!

The silverware made from wood seemed so stylish, and Deerfield seemed so progressive. However, the novelty quickly wore off, turning to disappointment as I discovered that they did not measure up to the potato spoons.

The only thing that seems to be going for them is that they’re compostable, and maybe that they look cool at first glance.

First and foremost, their utility is sketchy at best. Though the knife takes the cake in usefulness, the fork tends to have difficulty stabbing the food.

When testing the forks by digging into muffins, I found that the muffins simply crumbled. It’s better to simply scoop food rather than fork it, which defeats the purpose of a fork.

This leads me to my next point of study: the spoon. The spoon does its cupping pretty well. However, when placed in hot liquid, it loses its form and turns more into a type of paddle. It would be more useful as an oar for a mouse.

Aside from utility, they’re pretty uncomfortable to use. They don’t glide smoothly into one’s mouth. I liken the sensation to nails upon a chalkboard.

Many people have expressed concern over getting splinters, a valid fear. A worried student recounted the time that a spoon nearly broke in her mouth. The aftermath could have been disastrous.

A member of student council said that the utensils are “threatening the welfare of the student body.” He wishes to remain anonymous.

Most depressingly, they make the food taste like wood. I always feel like I’m eating from a stick, which isn’t completely false.

A new student said she was looking forward to enjoying her froyo at the Greer, but was disappointed to find that her treat tasted like wood.

Another student said she “completely understands the point of having compostable utensils; however, they taste like wood. I always have the aftertaste of a tree in my mouth.”

A student in the Koch Center who was trying to enjoy her hot chocolate said it “was literally melted chocolate on wood.”

The people have spoken.

When I asked a faculty member to share his thoughts, he said, “I think these are First World problems, and we should be thankful that we live in such a wonderful world where we can get so angst-ridden over little things.” Touché. As for the splinter problem, he said, “You’re not supposed to eat the utensils.”